its my world

2011-09-13T15:32:00.001+08:00

I was surfing on facebook again...seems like I really have nothing else better to do. Came across my old schoolmate's photographs. Honestly it doesn't look like how she was and I only graduated from secondary school 2 years ago. Then I realise what made her look so pretty as compared to before was make-up. Yea make-up works wonders but when I think about it further, when someone sees her real looks without the make-up, what would they think? Make-up, as I learnt last night, has the ability to conceal, to hide. Unfortunately I realise it cant change the real us, change facts. I saw on the train this morning, a woman was staring blankly into space. Her stare was rather deathly but was also amusing. She then picked up her mirror and tried to apply mascara, looking into the mirror with the same deathly stare. Make-up can change whats on her face but cant never change who she really is, the way she looks at things. Don't get me started on the failures of make-up when people look like clowns unintentionally.

It was then I made connections make-up to lies. Similarly, lies conceals facts, identity, but is unable to truely conceal one's nature. You can change facts with lies but you cant change who u truely are deep down.

2011-09-08T12:41:00.002+08:00

Random...been listening to a song by Alicia Keys...I know I'm a little slow but still its a great song

If I aint got you

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power
Some people live just to play the game

Some people think that the physical things define whats within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I dont want nothing at all
If it aint you baby
If I aint got u baby

some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
If I aint got you, yeah

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need 3 dozen roses
That's the only way to prove you love them

Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
No one to share
No one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I dont want nothing at all
If it aint you baby
If i aint got you baby

Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I aint got you, you, you

Some people want it all
But I dont want nothing at all
If it aint u baby
If I aint got you baby

Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I aint got you, yeah

If I aint got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world
Dont mean a thing
If I aint got you with me baby

2011-08-25T18:56:00.002+08:00

I came across a status posted by a boy in secondary school on facebook and it really got me thinking. He posted something along the lines of "How on earth can I body-building anymore if I can't take protein,eggs and protein shakes because I am allergic to it?". Was body-building to get those extreme bulging muscles like those you see on those body-building magazines that important (considering that the boy was only in secondary school)? And is the high intake of protein crucial for body-building and that can it be attained through other ways? But those questions are only for the superficial. What I wanted to know is whether what we want in our lives is that important and what determines how important it is. Somehow because of the unanswered questions I came to a conclusion (unless someone can prove me otherwise, I might change my stand) that we have all missed the point of living in the pursuit of our desires that may not even be neccessary in our lives. :( Take studying for great results for example, (i know most of us hate studying and only want good grades to do well in life) the societal conventions requires us to do well in school and graduate from universities or better yet get a masters in order to get a job and "do well"(I have my reserves about having money=doing well/being happy) in life. But in pursuing all these great "pleasures", we miss out on so much more. I know of people spending all their time on studying (mugging) 24 hours a day and forget that life is so much more than that. That life is also about having a social life and relationships with family members and so on, to be truely happy and honestly being able to tell yourself at the end of your life that your life was one worth spending.(If you were to say that studying and not having anything other than good grades is a life worth studying is a life worth living, I really don't know how to save you).

But I have to acknowledge the fact that without good grades and what society expects of us, we will probably never be able to do anything to make our lives worth living, for we despite knowing that these expectations are sometimes pointless and doesn't make sense, we are still a part of this society.

2011-08-17T22:07:00.002+08:00

I don't want this feelings inside me...I know now that I can't fully be a bad person because my conscience and guilt will eat me alive. I want it my way. I will admit that I am selfish. I admit that it was my personal interest and thoughts that drove me nuts. I don't want to sugar coat it and make it look like its not my fault. I'm sorry

2011-07-31T21:34:00.001+08:00

i miss you babe...what i said still stands...if it is meant to be, it'll happen somehow

2011-07-28T20:05:00.002+08:00

Deary, I meant everything I said...Did you?

2011-07-26T20:16:00.000+08:00

I trust in you Babe, I trust in you...

2011-07-20T15:24:00.001+08:00

i really do like you...in fact too much and gave u the BOD...i dunno what happened and i just want to believe those last words u said...please save me from the fall...please

2011-07-17T01:34:00.002+08:00

2 more days to my official 18th birthday...Somehow I just wish Bijay was here with me for my birthday...He has no idea how happy it would make me. Havent talk to him in afew days already. Not sure if he is ignoring me or that he is busy with things. Somehow it really makes me wana know what is he doing.he is the only reason why i'm so addicted to fb...hehes just to talk to him...Not sure if he will really appear at my school door on monday and give me a pleasant surprise xD...no matter how many presents i receive this year, it wun make me as happy as to see this guy again... x.x

2011-07-08T17:30:00.002+08:00

Since is my birthday is coming up in 10 days and people always put a wish list before their birthdays, i shud just do the same because i have nothing better to do...

Earpiece( mine is like spoilt ttm )

A book( seriously! i wana read...genre, figure it urself)

A day out with my family and all my different groups of friends

Someone special to wish me happy birthday

Hand written card

A DSLR ( too exp... my interest in photography just too off )

A Macbook ( i'm just aft the programs and functions )

Actually i have a very short wish list because money is of no value to me...talk about paradox...

2011-07-04T12:04:00.002+08:00

Just reminded of the times with you in Bromo, Indonesia and I felt the need to write it all down before I forget any of this important memories...well at least they are important to me...I was just reminded of how you said I was mad just because I was constantly laughing and smiling. I just went to my uncle and told him that you said i was mad and was visiting him for a prescription for my illness. He played along and gave me a candy, claiming its mad pills and after taking it, I'll be fine. Jadyn was with me and she told you what she saw happened. You came to look for me and still claimed I was mad. Unfortunately my pill was given to Edy who ate everything up. You told me you'd drive me in the ambulance that was across from us around the village on the mountain with the siren ringing but drive me back here because all the doctors are here. You made me smile :)

Happy times are meant to be remembered, even if I might not be able to see you ever again.

2011-07-03T22:38:00.002+08:00

The paper that dictates your life

Funny how your whole life now is dictated by a piece of paper in today's sensible world. How your future and past is now judged on mistakes and grades printed on a piece of important paper called your Examination Certificate. This piece of highly regarded paper is now the official representation of your future outcome in places that are developed. It determines whether you get a job to feed yourself with the income you get from it and it determines which careers are available for you.

I suppose right now students might have the same sentiments that the examination grades does not represent everything in your life. It does not hint not to mention accurately represent the amount of effort put in. It does not say how much time was put into studying nor does it say the amount of interest a person has for that subject. I may do well in a particular subject but that A does not tell anyone how much I may hate it. Personally, I enjoy learning about new things and new theories but I disapprove of how at the end of the day, everything learnt will be put to a test and that test results determine my rest of my life. It is unfair that anyone should be judged based on an examination grade that only show others how well you faired. Did i mention the bell curve that was used in Singapore? Fair or not? You decide.

So...The frustration sets in when one understands whatever is written above yet still had to sit for the examination to get that piece of paper that determines our fate. No matter how much one may feel that everything does not make sense in this sensible world, one still has to go with the flow. The person is ultimately in bound in societal conventions set in this world because that person lives in that world. Just to survive, just to live, we must let that certificate/bachelors/diploma/whatever determine our lives, happiness not guaranteed.

2011-06-24T21:51:00.003+08:00

i feel like going to nepal after all this chaos...hopefully by then you would have reciprocated my feelings for you and i can lie under a blanket of stars right next to you, chat until we fall asleep and wake up facing your smiling face, knowing you had a sweet dream. :) :) <3

me n my imagination

2011-06-17T23:05:00.002+08:00

you stole my heart
i didn't believed in love at first sight but you changed it
you turned my world upside down
now my heart is with you
yet i don't know whether we'll have a future at all
my heart lies across the borders far from my side
just wish you were right here beside me
wish you were mine

2011-06-14T18:55:00.002+08:00

i thought i swore off love
never wanting to hurt again
i thought i'd never repeat the same mistake
i thought i'll never love again

you caught me off guard and threw me into that river
i sink so deep i cannot get out
i love again
and smile my secret smile

2011-05-24T21:22:00.003+08:00

The hardest thing to do in the world is not creating, not inventing but thinking. The brain is indeed the most underused part of the body. There is this tendency to dismiss anything that is different as " it is that way" and take it as it is. This transparency on basically anything in life is not satisfying. Ever bothered to think deeper into the things we do everyday? For example, why do we need to be a gracious society? What is the purpose of our existence (existentialism) ?These may seem like a stupid and unnecessary questions to ask but it ultimately gives reason to why we are doing what we are doing. These questions questions our very being.

In consideration of the human brain and our very nature of being curious beings, we need reason more than ever. But why are we depriving our very need to know why and substantialise whatever we are doing? Has the social norms and conventions brainwashed us into going with the flow and following the crowd? Where has that curious mind that used to come up with amazing things that helped develop the world today gone to? That brains that create the inventions are not unique to Albert Einstein or Leonardo Da Vinci. Everyone possess a brain that can be used to their maximum potential depending on how the owner decides to use it. So i desperately appeal to youths out there to stop indulging yourselves in computer games that have now poisoned you and brought you into addiction and think for yourselves about things that are more important and prove wrong a theory. We're a thinking and self-respecting generation!

2011-05-21T23:10:00.002+08:00

Ever wondered how children have their child-like faith that is often praised by many? How do we keep that kind of faith and trust in people knowing the pain and hurt that people could easily bring and cause? How do children do this?

To me, children have that kind of faith because they are too young to know of the evils of the world. They know not the pain that trusting and believing in things and people may bring, thus being able to trust and put faith in anything easily. I am permenantly scarred with the knowledge of the truth of the world, a treacherous place. How could i return to that phase of my life that nothing was tainted and when I was protected from what the world could actually do to me? I want to believe, I want to have faith. But, teach me how...

2011-04-24T12:11:00.002+08:00

i realise how much i love music...it doesnt matter if the person singing is asian/gay or what not as long as he/she has a good voice and can sing well...i see many people way more talented than what we have now but is held back by- what?- issues on race/religion...why cant they just appreciate that talent out there and put down the differences...so what if he is nt white??who cares?

2011-04-23T10:12:00.002+08:00

Grenade - Bruno Mars
Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

2011-04-20T19:03:00.002+08:00

Your shadows passed my side
the cold air stung
Your hard body pressed against my wet cheek
lacked the warmth, i once felt

Winter has long gone
spring still hasn't come
a heart forever waiting, longing, but
never will it get what it want

2011-04-01T19:40:00.002+08:00

Upset... whatever happened today reminded me of everything we did together. playing with kids, walking to the train station, taking the train, all seem to remind me of the things we did together... to think that i wana move on...failure

2011-03-20T15:26:00.002+08:00

when our eyes meet, i cant help the curiousity growing inside of me towards him. somehow, when we look and stare without a single word, it contains more meaning than a thousand words with others. i have no idea what goes on in his head but i would like to find out. i like meeting like this, no words, just looking into each other's eyes with curiousity

2011-03-12T08:38:00.002+08:00

How do you feel when you see people suffering oversea when a disaster strikes? Do you feel that extreme sadness or do you just not care? I always wonder for those who feel sad for it, do you stay at home feeling sad, posting on facebook on how tragic everything is but not do anything constructive for the people you are feeling sorry for?Or even better, sending funds over to the victims, thinking that the money will take care the people themselves. I don't understand why everyone can go on and on about how terrible the situation is but not do anything that is of use to the people to ease their suffering.And for the people that don't care, if something happened to you and people around do not care, what would happen to you? It is annoying that the world cares so much for others around them by being sympathetic and sending money over but back in the other countries, life goes on as if nothing happened. People will still go to work, still go to school and return home at the end of the day. Having the want to help others yet unable to do so because the world traps you in an environment where economy and income is more important than anything else. Few will break from this cycle and go forth to help. And for this few, I applaud you for your actions

2011-03-05T08:57:00.002+08:00

CTs are coming next week and i just got my A level's results yesterday. Its so sad that at times no one can actually feel the kinda of happiness that i feel. Not even my parent. Its kind of sad to see how people usually see only the results and not the hard work put in to get that good grade. Sometimes i feel so isolated in this world that i sometimes wonder if i even exist here. Results and even the thought of getting results doesn't evoke any emotion in me. I wonder where all my emotions when... Numbed by anxiety, disappointment, anger and sadness.

2011-02-10T22:30:00.002+08:00

I am really annoyed about people fussing over ipad, iphones, itouch, nintendo DS and many other electronic devices that is supposed to entertain us all. But while everyone is talking and indulging themselves in the wonders of these new inventions, has anyone ever wondered how has these devices affect us negatively?I don't understand! why is having an ipad or an iphone such an "in" things that people constantly go after but not go after the things that are more important in life like quality time with family?

I saw how these devices tore my family apart. It may not have really tore my family apart but the damage of making my family not as close as before. Who in the world can ever repair this? My cousins not paying attention to my grandfather anymore when he play the piano. The activity that was once the center of the family. Everyone sits around to listen to stories and sing songs. Where has that gone to? My mom playing the laptop and not paying anymore attention while playing cards with us on Chinese New Year as if she wasn't interested. How can technological advances every compensate what i have lost. The inmaterial and not the material. Who can repay all that i have lost thanks to these things that people say is good?

Has technology taken over our lives and overtook what was once important and valuable to us?should it have this great a hold on us? I really don't understand

2011-02-07T21:07:00.002+08:00

The children now and the children in the past seem to be so different in terms of discipline, standards of living and even sources of entertainment. Back in the days where I was young, my cousins and I all got entertained by a simple story or even a song. I remember the days where my cousins sit around my grandfather eager to listen to his stories and his songs, picking out the weirdest,smallest details to entertain us. There was once we were listening to the story of Jesus' birth and at the word bethleham, we starting laughing. Random comments like " why is it called blackyham?", "is all the things there made of ham?" caused the whole room to be filled with roaring laughter.

But now, when my cousins with an age difference of 11 seem indifferent when my grandfather start singing those songs of his. They just continued playing with their Nintendo DS. Has technology really improved our standard of living? Has technology brought us closer together? I think not.

2011-02-02T21:00:00.002+08:00

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

~from Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood

This song gives me the courage to face the challenges that I am or am going to face. My life on Earth is just a temporary home. Its just a stop in my life on Earth. I'm not going to be here forever... One day I'll rejoin my Father in heaven. Theres no need to be afraid of anything that will come my way when everything is just temporial. My final destination is indeed not on Earth but somewhere else that is what I always wished for. A place where everything and everyone gives praise to my one and only God.

2011-02-01T22:09:00.001+08:00

somehow these few days i cant help but think of u
not u, but u...
tall dark and handsome...i wonder what happened...hmmm

2011-01-31T21:45:00.002+08:00

i dun need someone like u to tell me what to do
i dun need someone like u to make me look like an idiot
i dun need someone like u to make snide remarks at me when i ask a question
i dun need someone to make me feel like i'm inferior
i dun need someone to misunderstand every word i say even though u didnt choose it

i need a person who can understand what i'm asking for in my style of talkin
i need a person to give me the attention that i desire
i need a person to keep me company when i feel lonely
i need a person i can rely on through hard and good times
i need a person to know me enough to know things that are unspoken

2011-01-30T21:50:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry if it hurts anyone...but honestly i really rather go to church than go to malaysia to celebrate chinese new year...all these time for the past one year the ones who really gave me that kind of physical support when i was in trouble or going through the rough patch are not those in malaysia or living their own lives...they were the ones in church every week...seriously i rather miss out on chinese new year celebrations to be with my church mates than to be with the family that only meets up once or twice a year to celebrate major events and also in the meantime give me stress by comparing me with my other cousins and stuff...i dun need people to tell me whether i am better or whether i am fatter or anything like that to put me down...i dun need a drop in my own gauge of my selfworth...i need my weekly recharge with my buddies and my favourite people in my life...and best of all they are mostly concentrated in the one place i love best...thats church and seriously its a place where i get to meet up with God with other people who loves God...

2011-01-26T17:59:00.001+08:00

Truth
watching from a distance, seeing the stares
that daggered look pierced like a knife
looking down upon that little girl
with somewhat comtempt,yet
something unknown.

the happy face
of a happy child
etch on a little girl
brings joy to all who surrounds

never did they know
the devil was not the devil
the angel was not the angel
the devil was indeed the angel
and the angel, the devil

all smiles fade away
daggers and knife-like stares upon that girl
with light upon all who sees
unmasked was the child

the unknown was made known
the known was never the truth
yet the truth was unspoken with all who saw
and those who saw never brought light to the truth

2011-01-15T22:58:00.002+08:00

Me: i'm going out to jog tmr.
Dad: ok what time?
Me: 5 plus 6
Mom: why so early?
Me: because i don't like it when the sun is out.
Dad: The sun wun b out until 7 plus tmr...
Mom: how u know??
Dad: i emailed God. I cc-ed u the email. didnt u receive?
Mom: i go check
*mom logs into hotmail*
Mom: don't have lehs...u never cc me...
Dad: aiya the internet lousy la...the network have problems...

LOL...how funny can parents get??

2011-01-14T20:06:00.000+08:00

if love had a voice, i will never let it speak again

2011-01-08T00:17:00.002+08:00

when ur heart has died and really given up, u'd b indifferent like how i feel now...right now everyting doesnt matter anymore...past hurts, past promises, will b gone with the wind...everyting will b forgotten...i'll write it anew...a new page of ur memories...although i doubt there will b anymore memories to b created with u...but its alright...i'm fine n u'll b fine too...i'm leavin everyting behind...moving on

2011-01-04T23:10:00.002+08:00

i dunno how many times i cried...
for that lost hope
for that lost trust
for that inability to forgive...
may God give me the grace to do so...
that hope to relive
that trust to revive
and the forgiveness to live again...

2011-01-03T21:57:00.002+08:00

who in the world can understand the fears of being with people?
who can understand the pains of bein an outcast?
who can understand the pain of bein sneered at and judged by others?
who can understand how painful it is to be all alone?
who can understand the pains of bein misunderstood?
who can understand the stress that is all around yet havin hardly anyone around to give that comfort?
no one can understand that except my God. One and only.

2010-12-26T00:35:00.002+08:00

We often forget to see what we have. Instead, we focus on what we do not have. We often think in such a way that is so harmful to ourselves but never really giving thanks for all that God has given us, in terms of talents and so on.

I lack the courage and confidence to face what I have to. Instead, I run and try to hide behind anything that I think is able to do that. Should I really go up to do it?

2010-12-20T10:16:00.007+08:00

Cambodia OCIP 2010

A crew of 20 students, 3 teachers and 1 person from YMCA went to cambodia for OCIP, to teach the students in an orphanage, UNACAS, english as well as to build a fence at the UNACAS office.

Theres so many things I learnt on this trip that I can never finish naming it all. The CJC Cambodia OCIP 2010 crew were great and I really loved this trip and the people at Cambodia.

The whole team split into 5 groups to teach students with different english capabilities. The students were split into Levels 0,1,2,3,4. Jessie, Qirong (John), Nicholas and I taught Level 0. the children were aged 6-12. We taught in English and DY, our translator/student/teacher have to explain everything in khmere. I had a great time even though it was kind of chaotic whenever we tried to carry out an activity or play a game.

This is me, Nicholas, DY, Jessie and Qirong.

The life in Cambodia is simple but the people are happy and carefree. It makes me wonder about how strange things can be in our world. Although these people have very few, they are very generous and pretty much happier than any of us in the developed countries. The children play all day long and seem to worry about nothing. Most of us in the team thought that our childhood sucks as we saw how the children spent the whole day playing with animals, running around and just relaxing. The children do not have television, computers and everything that the kids today keep asking for. Yet they seem more happy than kids living in first world countries.

At night, there are no streetlights to guide us on our way back to the UNACAS church where we sleep. But it was because of the lack of lights that we were able to see the blanket of stars that covered the sky. It was the little that they have that they knew how to cherish every single thing they had. While growing up in a great place, I took everything for granted. If I could choose, I rather live in Cambodia. To me, it is the values that matter most and not the material. Of course I would want to live a luxurious life, who wouldn't want it. But if living this life meant that I would value money above everything else, I rather not.

One unforgettable event that happened was the game of soccer that we had. As predicted, our team was losing like crazy. When the game was about to end, all the girls rushed to the field and started wrecking havoc. It was chaotic yet funny at the same time. I basically broke all the rules of soccer. I pulled and chased DY (goal keeper) away from the goal post to score a goal for our team. One ball became two balls. One goal keeper became two. DX joined in to become the goal keeper. Some people from the opposing team joined ours and started playing against their own team. DX hugged the ball so that we couldn't get it. In the end, people from his team whacked him to get the ball back. Soon, soccer turned into touch rugby. DY took the whistle and said it was handball. It was really a hilarious scene. I kept laughing for a long time. I suppose this will be the best memory I will take away from this trip.

This little girl is Srey Neng. She gave me her drawings, a little tile that has the verse Jer 17:7 on it. The wooden stand on the tile has fallen off the tile. She must have kept it for a long time and yet she gave this to me. I was really touched and I gave her a necklace that I bought. She looked so happy. She showed me this innocence and generousity that I have never seen before and I was really moved by her. Despite what little she had, she gave. May God bless this little girl. She really made my day and the trip there.

2010-12-20T08:23:00.003+08:00

I'm back from Taiwan!!
Haven't really come to the blog recently due to all the travelling and activities. Erm...I checked my tag box just today and I would like to thank those who liked my blog. I never really expected this response. I am really flattered. I tried clicking on the links but all are adfly...So, i don't really know what's going on.
Anyway, this blog is opened for me to express my thoughts and feelings as well as writting down some of the more important events that happened in my life. So, do continue to visit if you like what you see and don't mind me being all naggy about what happens in life :)

2010-11-27T11:06:00.002+08:00

It was that after my maid had made milo for my little sister and she refused and poured herself a cup of vitasoy did it triggered my thoughts. In today's context where almost every little child is so fortunate to live with no worries like their parents had tons of money to spare, would we still treasure and make full use of every little thing we have in our lives? Over the past 50 years, Singapore and the regions around it has greatly improve. The conditions were not as bad as those in the past and Singapore has moved from a third world country to a first world country. Could this be the very reason why the society today has become so wasteful?

Why is it that parents are the ones who always save up today, only to let their children spend everything else away and not with a good cost? Like my sister who was born into the family when the family is doing good, would never understand how poor we used to be and how everything she have now is a luxury. I remember going to KFC once in a blue moon was the best my parents could afford. Even the burgers we ate there, we had to share them. Money was a huge issue then. They could not afford goodies and barely made it for every month. Now to my little sister, KFC every week was not an issue except her weight.

People often say that i am one rare girl that finish my food, but they don't know the real story behind it. It was going through hard times that made me cherish every grain of rice on my plate. When you go through times where you have hardly enough food to eat, you'll understand how every grain is important to you. Seeing children now, refusing their food, it somehow comes to me as is economic growth and improved standard of living neccesarily good for us? We don't know anymore. I suppose no one would care anyway.

2010-11-27T11:05:00.000+08:00

theres only one word to describe our relationship now...LUANZ

2010-11-26T20:16:00.002+08:00

we walked the last day as a couple together. as we bid our final goodbye we were filled with much love, regret and longing for each other. we hugged at the stairs and when it was time to go he went up with me. i touched his hands, his face his chest, afraid i will forget his scent, the way he held my hand, the way he looked at me with those loving eyes and the feeling of warmth and love in his hug. he asked if we could be together again.

i don't want to hurt him again. i don't want to hurt again. i don't want more pain that it shud have been. i don't want him to dwell in the times we are together and not move on. we hugged and both broke down as we both knew the answer to that question. i asked if it was not possible. he wouldn't no matter how hard i cry or how hard we cried. he left as he gave me the final kiss goodbye while i sat at the staircase lonely. tap tap tap... i heard his footsteps leave and i know that this was it. he was no more.

a while later i got up. went downstairs not home but towards a certain direction. like an idiot, i cried and walked towards the LRT station just too find that backview of the person i hold so dear. it was in vain. with my back slumped i walked home in another direction, hoping that he just walked another way and i'll find him.tears flowed as i walk back.

i told him to forget me and find someone else that loves him n he loves her too. i told him that i'm sorry that i couldn't be the last girlfriend for him and left a scar in his heart. but i wish him bliss and good luck in finding another that loves him more than i do. he asked me what about me? i wouldn't and couldn't forget him. i hope he moves on but i'll remain in the past. i'll miss his every way, his everything and wish him nothing less than bliss and happiness. i hope he finds the light in all this pain while i just want to remain in the midst of memories and could have beens.

2010-11-26T10:02:00.002+08:00

MY DREAM ISLAND

I remember once we had a fantasy. A fantasy only between the two of us only. Our dream island. Somewhere we go only in our dreams but its always nice to think of that place.

My dream island has clear blue waters surrounding the island, with pearl white sand. The house will be extended to the side floating on the waters. The house is a one bedroom house for the two of us only. It has white walls wooden floors, waxed and shiny. A queen sized bed with wooden posters. White thick sheets with large pillows. A canopy that is of transparent veil. A wooden seat at the end of the the queen sized bed.

A wooden bar table separating the kitchen from the rest of the house. Wine glasses inverted at the top shelves with bottles of wine on the cabinet. A refrigerator filled with goodies. Outside the refridgerator has the sign "Home Sweet Home" . Basic equipment, no firestove but a heat one... coz i'm afraid of fire.

The living room has no television. Just his company will keep me entertained. A white two seater sofa with comfy pillows and a glass coffee table with wooden posters... We cuddle and spend time just together. A balcony to see the whole ocean.

Outside is a little jungle with a small fishing port nearby.

:) beautiful place...However its not real. I just hope one day it'll come true :)

2010-11-26T00:31:00.002+08:00

i forgot how i solely depended on him for all the attention i need and all the love that i had needed.now without him i forgot and don't know how and where to put my attention on. for the past one year i put all my attention and energy on only one person in the world to fill the void and emptiness within.no matter how lonely school days can be, due to the differences in personality with the people around, it will nvr be that bad coz he was with me. but ever since that day, i've been screwed in my mind by the loneliness and void for the past few days. and to make matters worse, i unknowingly screwed his mind together with mine...all thats left of me is a messed up person. i didnt even know that he meant so much until i knew that this was really it and there was no turning back...at least not on his part. the hurt and pain is all too overwhelming but with no one to share. i haven told anyone abt it until today and unfortunately he had work to do which means more emptiness within.

i ever heard that if u tried to quit an addiction at once, there wud be withdrawal symptoms. does it apply to attention and the amount of love that i am able to get. i m beginning to feel the full impact of the decision that we both made that very day. it is not easy and it took two hands to clap. all i m left now is the dread of missing a person so much that the heart constantly feels sour, yet i have no tears left to cry and when the flood of good and bad memories flood back in my mind it just makes matters worse inside for me. yet i did not tell anyone and tried to handle alone. my lone ability is not enough to bring myself up from the depths of sorrow and misery. instead, suicidal thoughts and the loneliness i felt has robbed my sanity away from me. all thats left to do now is to remain in this square that i am in and let the world pass me by. watch the very dear i loved and still love pass me by in search of his great future while i decay in the darkness of my sorrow.

2010-11-24T21:43:00.001+08:00

he didnt know, i'm in for another day
he didnt know how much i missed him
n how much i wanted to call him dear n hug him again
but i know its not possible now
just wan him to tell me he doesnt love me anymore
so he can move on n that it breaks my heart thoroughly so i too can move on
my heart will break but i suppose it'd b good
for him to move on

2010-11-24T12:26:00.001+08:00

心里很难过，但却哭不出来。我该怎么办？

2010-11-23T20:41:00.001+08:00

i don't know
i don't know
i don't know
i don't know
i don't know
i don't know
i don't want
i don't want
i don't want
i don't want
i don't want
i don't want
help!

2010-11-23T17:12:00.001+08:00

went to sch to have meeting
than out to town to lunch
took 190 back...
stopped at cckss and walked
almost cried but didnt have the tears...
i'm nt numbed but didnt have the tears to cry...
what am i to do?

2010-11-23T08:24:00.002+08:00

i wun show it but i do inside
i still did things that we did in the past
i still miss him i still do
every wakin moment is painful, i wish i was asleep
i'll fill my day with activities to get through the days
the days without u...
i'll b ok

2010-11-22T21:26:00.002+08:00

i know i'll cry...i know it'll hurt...
i did cry n i did hurt
it pained me too but i wun show it
mayb one day we'll b tgt again only with a different u...
i'll try to take care of myself now
i'll try to b a good girl
i'll try my best not to cry
but tears will still come...
i'll wait...it'll hurt but i'll wait

2010-10-27T22:10:00.002+08:00

when tiredness engulfs u, what do u do??
think, its all worthwhile. the results are worth the tiredness that i feel now :)
it takes sacrifices for a specific cause...it is good
i won't regret this n
the brainwashing begins...

2010-10-24T21:01:00.003+08:00

I finally have my own testimony...

My mom is a christian but she has stopped going to church for almost 12 years now. After I came to church i have always been wishing that my mom would come back to church. I prayed but I kind of stopped praying halfway because i forgot. But my God is one that doesn't forget even if i forget. One day when my mom was talking about a new maid she was hiring, she happen to know that she is a christian. So i seize the chance to ask her to come to church and she agreed. She even brought my sister. We wanted to go church last week but it was raining so we did not go. Today it finally happened. She finally came to church. I was afraid my mom would not make any friends in church as she thought it wasn't necessary but God has a plan. A lady was sitting behind us in the chinese service and was really zealous. After service she talked to my mom and interacted with her. God's plan is the best. He knows all and plans the best for us. He guides us and answers our prayers even when we forget. All glory goes to God. :)

2010-10-14T22:56:00.003+08:00

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....back from chalet..
this one i can say its unique...lols
ever tried gettin closed in a closet? tried cycling n flying at the same time??hahas

ok the first thing we went to downtown east was to look for a bike rental shop...
apparently we didnt know where to get a bike...hmmm walked ard alot just to find a shop that rents bikes at a reasonably affordable price :) went to the chalet unit...its so cool i suppose...i got thrown into the closet n the rest laughed... :( talk abt helping man...we were playin cards until most people reached and head off to the beach...the games planned was abit fail but overall still okay...unorganised fun is what we had in the end, guys got thrown into the sea...LOL

went back for pizza...aft which i cant rmb what happened for most of it...what i rmb was that i went out to get coffee only to come back with nearly half the number of guys drunk...lols those drunkards are really funny...boon n zen, i'll nvr forget what u guys did... it was really funny...

at night riding, because some of the drunk ppl wanted to go ride bikes when they can hardly stand, we went along... :( it was then that i sprained/injured/killed my leg...lols i suppose it was alright... an originally nicely planned chalet becomes really chaotic...but honestly, true fun is not organised...it is being unorganised that brings the fun

2010-10-07T19:25:00.002+08:00

its 5 days, 2 more papers, 6 more hours to go before i go into holiday mood though theres stil pw coming my way...but who cares??lets just enjoy the times after promos coz i doubt i can enjoy when the results are out :( anyway studyin is hard but i will press on...i hope hahas xD
dun wana think of unhappy things now...just happpppyyyy~

2010-09-28T21:03:00.002+08:00

It was Daddy's birthday yesterday :) For once birthdays are more fun than usual. Played some card games and Daddy is super lucky. He got lucky 7 and i had to pay $2.80 :( hahas but he gave me back the money. I love the birthday cake :) :) fruit cake for once...Usually its just blackforest or coffee cake :) sweet sweet cake this time. At least this time we seem more like a family :) hopefully its like this for the rest of the birthdays at home :)

Stayed back in school with Casey to record some stuff with Elaine and Raphl. :) It was kind of fun and Elaine has this amazing voice when she sang. Was amazed for a moment :). They recorded a song which was pretty cool. I can't remember the last time i actually find something cool or even enjoyed doing anything...Brings back memories of singing with Hema and the rest :). Elaine is kinda cool and there is this strange feeling that i have met her before but not yet. Some special connection. Want to get to know her more. hahas though i am not sure if she still wants to be my friend...Some fear...But i guess i will get over this fear inside :)

that was things on a happy note. well, something not so happy. i am tired of being with people who are not real to me. i find this really tiring and exhausting. i dun wana know a mask anymore and i shant bother trying to know more...coz i have no idea when the genuine self will appear. i really cant stand being with people lying to me i cant stand it anymore. Goodbye.

tmr will be a better day :) cheers

2010-09-24T16:50:00.002+08:00

"FML" totally describes what happened in the past few nights. Rude as it may seem, but it is really apt and suitable to describe how it was. Sleeping at 2 am on wed, 12 on thursday is really stupid. The class fell asleep today. How on earth are we to survive?

Today I woke up to panic. I was supposed to burn the CD. Collected the CD from Gabriel and tried burning. End up the CD was crap. The file was corrupted. i panicked! this is the first "FML" moment of my day. Got Nicholas to help me burn it. He was so sweet, brought his laptop specially just for me to help me burn the CD. So anyone who wants to say anything about it, you can go to hell. I don't want to hear anymore rules on i should not be with him. I don't want to hear anything else that says that we are not suited anymore. Its my life and I want to take charge of my life. Don't say I am naive to believe we will last. Who knows? Just because the possibility to last till the rest of my life is small does not mean that I will stop trying. This should not be a barrier!

So CD was settled. Went to school and after assembly, I was informed that our WR missed out one page and there were afew mistakes in the WR. I personally do not blame Zhong Yang. He was doing his best already and that is good enough for me. So that was the second "FML" moment. It was kind of bad considering that we were supposed to hand the WR up then.

We got Philip to stand in queue at the photocopy shop. Then the rest was in the library settling the printing of a page as well as the editing. Irritating things that happens in the process. Perfection is not what the project is about. Just the content and accuracy is enough. You do not have to be perfect at it. And trying to be perfect when time does not permit just adds the irritation to the people around and in the group. And because one person wanted to be perfect, the whole group suffers. And because of trying to be perfect, we have problems with the soft copy. So my panicking in the morning was for no reason anymore.

After a long long time in the library, the pages finally came. But that is when the third "FML" moment came. Turns out, the school's binding machine has only 20 holes while ours has 21. So we can't use the machine in school to punch the holes in the paper to attach to our already binded copy. Solution- slit holes into the paper by hand. drew the lines and cut and finally attached it to the other 53 pages of the WR. The edits was specially annoying so we decided to cut and paste as sliting holes in the others will take even more time. After it was done, the perfectionist HAD to tell us the paper is jutting out, so we must cut. I totally flared up and snatch the WR and gave it to the leader to hand it up. We were late by an hour for submission and for class. How amazing is my day, really?

2010-09-19T16:18:00.002+08:00

Too tired to care anymore...The stress of being in a JC and the stresses of people as well as from myself and teachers are driving me insane...i wonder why others seem to be alright on the outside while i m in so much turmoil...i cant relax...i'm serious 24/7...i lost myself ever since i... they tell me i am not alone...but somehow i feel more lonely than ever...i feel worse than before actually...who really knows and will understand??even if there is someone, he is not in this world...who on Earth will actually understand?

its not the first day i feel like an utter failure...but so be it i guess...coz honestly i dun wana care anymore...too many expectations too many people tellin me what to do...i dun wan to know n dun wana care...i dun wan the stress n i dun wan the pain...let me do what i wan n what pleases me...i dun wana b a puppet and following things that i dun like anymore

2010-09-17T22:40:00.002+08:00

i'm sick and tired of people tellin me what is right and what is wron!its stupid and pointless!we preach the good news when evangelising but when u r one, u preech bad news. its really irritatin...stop forcing me...i dun wana know what are sins i dun wana know what i have to do...i dun wana know what to do and what not to do...i dun wana be restrained and restricted...i dun wana please Him anymore. its so hard and stressful...dun tell me ur point of view n what to do from the bible, coz i dun care...what is wrong with u people? is it really fun to find faults?i hate this n seriously, this is the most irritatin and horrible thing about being one!bein a one requires so much and forcing me to be someone i am not. He hopes me to be something that will be the best for me but at what expanse?i dun wan this!!i dun like this life...so what if it is best? so what??i don't care. the bible says i wil get happiness and it will come.but u know wad??i m tired of having to do so much to exchange for it. being pleasing to God and having to put trust in it?i have weak foundations but mind u i can give up. stop pushing and forcing me. if u lose a sister like me in forcing, congrats to u...u have done something so great for God. coz remember i reject christ because of u n not because of God.

2010-09-07T21:12:00.001+08:00

exactly why am i doin there?
not valued, unheard
i dun wana care anymore
mayb i think too much
mayb its my fault
lets just get over n done with

2010-08-31T20:30:00.001+08:00

my heart died today. forever and always.true death

2010-08-14T08:12:00.003+08:00

life has never been harder...
enjoyin life is one thing but when life comes down hard on you, you do wonder how do you enjoy such life. yesterday was a long long day.considering that i slept for less than 5 hours n i didnt sleep well the night before, it had been a bad day. lectures were horribly boring that i cant help myself but fall asleep. lucky not before long, the day of hardcore academic programs is over.

next stop was beyond center. cute kids, hard to control. irritation builds up with my tiredness when i feel i lost control of everyting. getting hit 4 times by different kids kicking rubber balls is not fun at all. though i thought it was quite comical that they hit my head twice. i was partnered up with a girl called rachel. she was ok i guess. she was older but nevertheless still a kid. KOG had been hard to fulfil but i guess at the end when the kids say that they enjoy it, i cant help but feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment. getting to know kids at a personal level is fun. my passion for kids never died.

after that was dinner. Kimchi raman may not the best idea for a quick dinner. lols it was really really hot. waited for the bus for soooooooooo long. i was late for the interview :( but luckily dominic( interviewee) is even later than i am. ok i'm really thankful that he allowed us to interview him coz MCYS did not allow us to do an interview with them. i still dont understand why they are so strict about it, and wouldnt help us at all.

went to SBH to walk outside. at first glance it looked like a factory to me. then when i look closely at the interior ( we were not allowed to enter) there is this sense of great restriction and repression. there were double fences, windows were gated. the ssecurity is so tight that i felt that i might get shot just by standing at the outside of the place. we were not allowed to take photos( we might get charged in court). walking around and getting to know more about the place is kinda weird and especially at night. i wouldnt say its eerie but the security made the place look really dangerous.

hitched a ride home with hazel :) so nice of her parents to send me home this late at night. as usual eat bath and do more work. after such a long day i only had like 6 hours of sleep...whats life man??

2010-08-12T21:52:00.002+08:00

today amusing things happen...mayb nt so much to others but to me it was pretty funny
during PE we were playing modified captians ball
i have no idea how n perhaps it might have looked weird
but i ran into a guy when chasing for the ball,
ramped into him
n bounce off. i flew for awhile before landing on my side causing abrasions on my knee and thigh
LOL
my imagination was wild.
just imagine running straight into another person (he is not fat mind you)
and instead of that guy stepping back because of the impact,
you fly off while the guy stands unhurt. Really really bad humour

the wounds does not hurt that much
causing me to forget their existence through the course of the day.
only when i rub/knock/hit my wound that i realise
i am stil injured...
hopefully the next time i play soccer i do not get injured anymore

2010-08-11T13:16:00.002+08:00

yesterday and today kinda screwed up
how is it like to have your heart almost healed, and then broken again.
i had it bleeding all over again.
Asking for help to cheer myself up in the night had been a terrible failure.
not only did i not get help, i managed to keep myself occupied by crying myself to sleep.

as to add insult to injury, my mom had to exasperate me last night when i got home
she compares me with my sister, making me sound like i'm such a horrible daughter
"you are the best girl in the world, not like your jie jie"
i guess i should be used to it
but it still pricks whenever my biological mom says that infront of my face.

today, i go to school in my miserable mood.
last week i thought i had paid the $4 apparently
she say i haven
honestly another $4 for what i paid already and when i have no part in these $4 kinda suck

its raining now like how my heart rains
crappy feeling deep inside and then
i wana drown in alcohol and just die

2010-08-10T10:24:00.003+08:00

yesterday i went out with weijie for dinner
it was quite fun la...lols
erm lots of jokes but i will not go into details
hahas i caught a glimpse of the fireworks when i dun intend to
what a pleasant surprise :)
we parted at the mrt station lols
went back to lot1 for ice cream with huihui
huihui wasted her money liddat
lols she's afraid of being fat??but then again she's afraid of anyting
went to the arcade to play time crisis and went home
lols refused to bath at night until 11 hahas i'm a dirty piggie

today i'm goin out with classmates for lunch
hope it was as fun as ytd hahas haven had such fun in such a long time
shud go out more often...

2010-08-09T13:51:00.002+08:00

sadness my mom accidentally smashed my orange jade ring. It was from china. It wasnt expensive but it was used to remember how nice the host family was to me when i was in china for an exchange programme. now its gone. HAIZ~ well anyway, today is national day. I'll b goin out to eat with a friend. I hope it cheers me up. Anyways, i'm in love with beyonce's listen. nice song :)

Listen
listen to the song here in my heart
a melody i start but can't complete
listen to the sound from deep within
its only beginning to find release

oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
they will not be pushed aside and turned
into your own
all cause you won't listen

listen i am alone at a crossroads
i'm not at home in my own home
and i tried and tried to say whats on my mind
you should have known
oh now i'm done believing you
you don't know what i'm feeling
i'm more than what you made of me
i followed the voice you gave to me
and now i gotta find my own

you should have listened
there is someone here inside
someone i thought had died so long ago

oh i'm screaming out
and my dreams will be heard
they will not be pushed aside on words
into your own all cause you won't listen

listen i am alone at a crossroads
i'm not at home in my own home
and i tried and tried to say whats on my mind
you should have known
oh now i'm done believing you
you don't know what i'm feeling
i'm more than what you made of me
i followed the voice you gave to me
but now i gotta find my own

i don't know where i belong
but i'll be moving on
if you don't if you won't

listen to the song here in my heart
a melody i start but i will complete
oh now i'm done believing you
you don't know what i'm feeling
i'm more than what you made of me
i followed the voice you think you gave to me
but now i gotta find my own
my own

2010-08-08T13:13:00.003+08:00

yesterday was an amazing day!so here it goesssssssssssss

we are having this series in church called In Pursuit of Happiness. this week was about parents in the parent's point of view. i often disobey my parents long ago (now i hardly do it). Lols its hard to understand what parents are thinking of at times but Pastor Chris (from Malaysia) was a father of three kids. He gave many insights to what parents are thinking of and why parents do some things at times. Here comes the best part----> he made us respond to the altarcall which is to send an sms to our parents to thank them for being good parents and tell them we love them. Honestly, pressing the "send" button was hard. But stil i pressed it. My mom responded by saying "i love u too" my dad did not reply at all (talk about being touched :( )

when i got home, my mom told me my dad's reaction aft reading the sms. he was in shock and asked my mom if we were alright. lols me n my bro sent the same sms so i guess he tot we were gona die or something. lols my dad was silent for the whole night. there were even funnier reactions from parents esp from winnie's parents and touching ones from chelsea's parents. what an awesome day!

2010-08-06T12:54:00.002+08:00

ytd night's rehearsal was quite ok
except that i was feeling unwell
today i didnt go to sch to celebrate with them
coz when i woke up in the mornin it was all giddy n i had a fever last nite

i m much better now...lols
i guess what i really need was a break b4 i get healed...

recently alot of things happened n i thank passerby for reminding me not to write stupid things on the blog
since the tag box will probably b flooded if i answered there i will answer u in the post
be honoured since i hardly do this xD

"King David wrote most of the psalms. Although he was king but he was still facing great troubles and people were defaming him n trying to get him killed. If you noticed many of these psalms include a description of his enemies' wrong doings towards him. Yes, King David believed in God (christian) n he decribed his enemies as people with sharp tongues and things that are vile. But in his psalms, it goes in a general sequence. First he describes the wrong doings of his enemies, then he asks God to help him through. After that he praises and worship God. And what is more, it is written in the bible, similar to a blog. I agree that prayer is a conversation with God. But what do you say to God? He wants to be with us, He wants to help us on Earth. He wants to take our troubles. And yes, he knows of our troubles, but all the more He wants us to tell him all our problems and get to know us at a personal level. Ask and you will be given, Seek and you shall find. So if i am in pain and frustration, shouldn't i go to God to ask Him to help me through with wisdom as well as patience to tame my temper? It is my way of worshipping him to help me through the time. I want the world to know that God is true and He is the Great Living God. And the GPP was done perfect. Now i get along well with my group leader. Everything is all good. So who is to say that God is not real?"

2010-08-03T20:48:00.002+08:00

Tragedy. A Work of Art

"A Christian ought to be with a Christian," she screamed aloud at his refined features.

The blue in his eyes had left him so long ago yet she had not and would not notice, and even if she could, she would not believe. His eyes closed.

"I do not feel the need to convert," was his stock reply.

She seat herself on a wooden bench. Reminiscing the greying days before.

The trees rumbled to the strength of the blasting wind against the bright blue sky. The sea roared as it lashed onto the stone walls. The couple sat under the sun and stole a kiss. The sunshine like gold came upon them. But now the gold has gone, the sky is no longer blue and the sea, as large as it was, was nowhere to be found.

Autumn approaches, she was like fallen red leaves cover under the deep inches of frosted whites. The yellowing pictures fades and gently covered with dust.

2010-07-31T10:40:00.002+08:00

i just realise i was a regular blogger last time but i have no idea what happened to that already i miss bloggin lols actually i miss my old life more...i missed my friends.

ytd i went to beyond social center. unfortunately, there was two cases of hand foot mouth disease already...n we were assigned to wash n disinfect all the toys in bay 1...washing these toys can be really really boring... fortunately with friends around, its so much easier to complete the things...9 baskets of toys are not easy to clean in 1.5hrs :( after that we got to play with children. caden is sooooo cute...cubby and almost baby like hahas just adorable :) ok i have a soft spot for non spoilt babies n some children xDD

2010-07-29T18:43:00.002+08:00

Respect
Ever wondered what Respect is?What does Respect actually mean?

The Longman dictionary states up to 9 different definitions on Respect itself. So which of these are people often referring to? One of the definitions states that respect is when you regard something or someone as important and are careful not to harm them, treat them rudely. But then again, many people have different definitions of Respect. Not to mention that rude has a large variety of definitions among people.

Respect is a vague definition and is very controversial issue. How is Respect protrayed? It cant be seen easily in people. A person may be very polite and kind towards another, but what exactly is shown of that person? As the idiom goes, do not judge a book by its cover. Moreover, it is also in the bible that what you do does not determine your identity. If I did a "rude" thing today, does it mean that i am disrespectful? Or if I am polite, does it mean that I am Respectful? I may be nice towards a person but that does not mean I respect that person and vice versa. It is more and more difficult to determine the value and the protray of respect in the human world now, what with scheming plots to harm one another. The Human heart is difficult to understand and it is more complex than it seems. Just as how one situation may lead to many different consequences in the thought life of a person. Different people think differently with the different cultures and influences around. So who exactly is to say that who is disrespectful to one another?

Why is the world today so obsessed over that particular word be it at home, work or even at school? Is it even important?

2010-07-28T20:09:00.002+08:00

today i had a series of unfortunate events...lols but out of all these i learnt to thank god in everything that happened. may it be good or bad, it doesnt matter. good things are a gift and bad things are an even greater gift. bad things mold me and teach me great things.

just for today i learnt true forgiveness. forgive and i will be forgiven. this i remembered. the holy spirit made me do things that i would not have done so many months ago. the holy spirit made me talk to someone i would not have talked to or even smile and greet. he made me taste true forgiveness that exchanged bitterness for happiness. i loved another because god loves me. and for god's love and forgiveness its actually better than i can hope for. i learnt to love a person i could not because i chose to and god helped me. Praise the Lord today!! :)

2010-07-14T20:54:00.001+08:00

I CANT BELIEVE IT TOMORROW IS MY A LVL CHINESE ORAL
lols totally not prepared and i still have my flu
sore throat and cough now
i hope it heals in time
i'll keep praying though

recently it has been super busy
especially being in school
i realise i am not the only one learning more each day
but another friend as well
i'm fine growing spiritually and in character
with the aid of sermons and literature class
hahas the text in literature class has so much meaning to me
it might not be to the whole class but i learnt so much from it
E.M Forster is a great novelist xDD

ok recently quite happy except having to go to school and
face many people
i really miss church on most days
and wish everyday is saturday
but i know its not possible so dun harp on it

Youth cup 2010

2010-06-24T21:00:00.002+08:00

its a game but nt exactly a game
god planned this game all along
he showed me so many things today that i have nvr seen before
and also showed me exactly what i know but emphasised it

reflections:
i m very disappointed today in the match. not because we lost.but the people were winning by playin dirty. i didnt mind playing rough because i was shown that playin rough was all part of human nature. it is in human nature that when we play a game we tend to want to win. and it is also part of human nature that when we become flustered we tend to get rough and agreesive and it is also partly due to the urge to want to win.

but what disappoints me the most is that one team started playin dirty. i didnt get injured. just run over in many occasions. it is more disappointing to know that when a person is hurt, everyone else is just to engross in winning that they mislook the person sitting on the floor, too tired to pull herself up.

i noticed that whenever some team play dirty or out of the rules i get worked up and really angry, it was because i had high expectations. especially of the people that were playing. it is merely because they were god's people, holy and pleasing to god. i feel really indignant. this can relate back to why i get worked up in school alot. because of the fact that the people were not who i thought and expected to be. i thought the people would be more considerate and thoughtful towards one another. but when this expectation is not met, i feel the anger and frustration as well as disappoint. with every expectation, it is easy to become disappointed when expectations are not met.

this game is not exactly a game. i realise this game helps us to understand one another, thus bonding. it was as if that if u hid a part of u in the game, u tend to lose. it didnt matter if u were good or bad. but when u hid urself and puts on a mask, no one understood what u are trying to do. it screws up really badly, because of the mask that everyone thought was u.

it all applies back to life, what i learnt today. its amazing how a game can show so much about a person and people in church. we all have flaws but i believe that we are all working towards that goal of being god-like and living a holy life.

2010-06-03T11:01:00.002+08:00

Dear God,
Save me from this frustration I am feeling towards GPP. It is not only the work assigned for GPP that frustrates me but the group members and the teachers. Gabriel does not understand how everyone feels. He only cares about how the job must be done instead of considering the strengths, weaknesses and thoughts of the group members before assigning the different jobs. Isn't it ironic that a person who is against the whole idea of having CCA be assigned a duty to do something on agreeing to CCAs? This is so frustrating. God, why do I feel that the whole world is against me? It is as if that even the teacher is being picky over nothing. God, please, I hand all my troubles and problems on to you. Help me and guide me through this. I ask this in Jesus' name, Amen!

2010-05-30T11:25:00.002+08:00

it pisses me off when parents ruin ur mood
n then blame everyting on us the "kids"

i m so angry that my parents,
for the sake of my sister's happiness, puts us down
first they piss me off by sayin that the weather is bad
n gloatin that we r nt able to go for kite flyin today
u know when u look forward to someting
n juz because they dun wana go
they put me down
they ruin my mood liddat

n honestly even if it rains here
it does nt mean that it is rainin at marina barrage
its so irritatin
n when i tried to tell them that
my dad scolded me :(
to add fuel to fire
he wans me nt to go out so often in the holidays
to keep my sis company
i dun wana b jailed at home ok??
n arent they bias??keepin me at home for their little daughter's happiness
instead of thinkin for me too

n honestly sunday is not a family day
if it is i dunno what family day is anymore
we all stay in the same house but then again
we do all different tings n nt tgt
so what is family day??

2010-05-26T21:44:00.002+08:00

i realise that in singapore
it is stil conservative like the past london
its like we r tied too tightly by conventions
of what ppl tink what is rite n what is wron
what is proper n what it not
it is as if we disapprove of passion
the very beginnin of everyting we have

in singapore they restrict passion in love
now public display of affection is strictly frowned upon
why exactly do we singaporeans disapprove of this??
is it really a crime??what exactly is wron when u display
ur affection for one another openly??
i personally do not c the harm
in any case, people disapprove of it so much so that it has a hold on media
it is as if that when u have a picture of people kissin in public
it is news worthy n deemed as "juicy" news
it often ends up in stomp n the "victims" often gets persecuted
what exactly are we fighting against today??
the passion that is built within us? or just followin the conventions set several hundred years ago that does not seem relevant in today's context?

2010-05-22T00:10:00.002+08:00

friday, 21may
today we went to beyond again
the kids were just wakin up from their nap
we helped to stack their mattresses back
and prepare them for tea
it was kind of chaotic
the children were all over the place and some were cryin
abigail was punished and irwan was left to stand on his own

some of the kids because of different age groups
were seated in different tables and served different foods
today i m attached to the younger classes
the kids are super cute
after tea the children went to wash their hands and sat in a circle
i was helpin darren dry his hands and brought him to join the rest
the other kids were sittin in a circle n playin games
they had "blow wind blow"
the younger kids did not move at all
it was kind of a funny sight.
after that the younger kids went to play with toys

they made me realise how i used to play with toys without any reason
without havin to tink wad to make out of the lego bricks
it was juz mix and match out of their creativity
the children had goodbye songs after that
i gt a hug from most of the children there
even from the younger shy kids.
it was a really fruitful day

2010-05-19T20:17:00.002+08:00

recently in gp class we talked abt racial discrimination
i dun like the idea of classifying ppl by the colour of the skin
it is nt fair...we dun get to choose our colour
n basically we r more or less the same biologically
there are no results showin that the white is better or
ppl with darker skin is worse off
:(
i dun like some disturbin facts that there are some organisation
stil bellievin that they are superior to the other races.
honestly bein liberated is nt approval of segregation
segregation doesnt make tings beta
it makes tings worse
moreover the chosen ppl by god is the jews
who said anyting bout bein white??
in addition i dun c how in the bible there are no evidence that jesus
is in fact white... :(
tis is super superficial and really absurd

2010-05-16T19:32:00.002+08:00

14 may, friday
today at beyond we coloured pictures of a book so that it can be laminated and made into a book :) it was not so much work but stil tiring.

2010-05-08T22:01:00.002+08:00

friday 7 may
went to beyond to help out
again we sorted art pieces of children
then sort out books in serial numbers...
after that we gt to interact with the children after the woke up from their naps
it was fun playin with the kids...
they did nt have to plan wad to build when they are playin with bricks
they can play with anyting they like...kids filled with imagination n creativity we hardly see in students of my age now...

2010-05-02T15:20:00.002+08:00

30 april
went to beyond for social work again
seems like i always get to play with babies
they are kind of scary though because they started crying for no reason
we cleaned the whole room again
cleaning the toys for them.
in between a baby crawled up to nicholas and got nicholas to carry him
he was so cute
i guess babies are difficult to understand but cute in some ways

its our 5 months :) yay!!hahas

1 may
went to church
learnt alot
had alot of reflecting n info comin in
yea i agree i dun always rely on the holy spirit to guide me
but rely on some bad help
though he is a christian but he is kinda half baked
anyways the worse ting that happened was that
the church was very near the bukit timah nature reserve
so end up i left my coke on the table at the far end
and a monkey came n knocked my coke over!!!!
super angry u know??
i haven finish drinkin that coke :(

today, 2 may
its my blogs bday!!
woooooot!!hahas my baby's bday today :)
but then i have alot of tings to do
my pi is nt done
and that we didnt send in the gpp damned!!haiz

2010-04-29T23:30:00.004+08:00

i guess i realise the world's most impt lessons
that all i need is my true friends...
they dun judge u like the rest
they dun blame u for much
they accept u for who u are
i m eternally grateful for all my beloved friends that i have
from cck n now cj friends
all of them i m truely happy to have them with me
n most imptly i have nick with me
nth can b too tough to overcome :)

i hope n i do believe that the class wil one day c wad i m tryin to do for them :)
they are insightful
but have yet to open their eyes
but when they start i'm sure everyting wil go well again
i realise that the hate is nt so much as wad he said
but its kinda subtle :)
i stil live in my fairytale land
whereby everyting is perfect
everyone loves each other everyone cares
everyone is considerate n wans each other to improve
i wana c that come to past
i wana c that happen
i have hope n i wil pray hard for it to happen :)))

thanks again to dearest and my other dears hahas

2010-04-28T19:39:00.002+08:00

if only they knew how great a disappointment to me they were
if only they were better
sometimes expectations r too much
but eva tot that without expectations there will b no growth??
small expectations counted as too much
than i guess theres no hope for the community
if tis goes on i tink i wana transfer class

u guys dun understand how much hope i put on u guys
expectations r high not juz for anyone
but ppl who i tink r capable but i guess
thats wron too
i guess wantin everyone to b considerate ppl n allow the rest to study is wron
n that askin them to keep quiet is wron
i guess gettin angry when ppl r wastin my time by nt payin attention n then askin the teacher to repeat is wron
i guess tryin to improve the class is pushy...
wow in that case really i dunno wads rite anymore

the disappointment in side is too much to describe for i have lost all hopes in u guys...rot if u may...to hell with u guys

2010-04-21T21:30:00.002+08:00

lookin at how ppl of backward countries, how the kids are so appreciative and enthusiastic about education makes me think how fortunate yet un appreciative we r...is there a serious problem with us??coz we dun appreciate learnin as the children of other countries do...their enthusiasm for learnin seems to beat us in ours towards our learnin in singapore...really now do students go to sch lookin forward to learnin or for time to pass so they can get out of it??i dun c the enthusiasm...mayb this is really wad it means to appreciate wad we have if we experience someting we dun have...perhaps the students in our country has everyting too easily, too fortunate to have everyting in our hands...money for education is hardly an issue in singapore...we have things too easily and provided for...how fortunate we r...

2010-04-20T21:08:00.000+08:00

dearest u r all i have n need
theres no other u
n i have the one :)

2010-04-18T15:24:00.002+08:00

i owe alot of photos...hahas ok ok the other day we had fire drill... the stupid part is that everyone started takin out their umbrellas but apparently the teachers didnt say any...hahas so across the whole field theres alot of umbreallas hahas...

my class's umbrella

more umbrellas

theres alot of ppl wor.

went out ytd b4 church to meet with nick hahas sat in the park n took a couple of photos...hehe haven taken photos in a long time though...hahas i miss neoprints!!

someone walked pass when we were takin tis...hahas nick paisay n siam

ytd at nite went to my aunt house after church to celebrate my grandma bday...quite fun i guess haven talked to my cousins in a long time...:) gt to talk abit with them...my aunt juz graduated from sim too!!hahas

charmaine in her lady-like pose...nt very lady-like i suppose

reshot!!hahas

my cute grandma...guess how old she is hahas :)

i bet she didnt know i was takin tis

2010-04-16T20:45:00.002+08:00

went to beyond today
was assigned the duties to sort out the small pieces of paper
where the children wrote their names and dates
it was kind of difficult to do so coz their hand writtin are hard to see
and after that we have to sort accordin to dates and paste them on a
piece of paper to be filed
children's progress can be quite fun to watch
watchin children grow must be such a joy for teachers and parents

2010-04-09T19:35:00.002+08:00

today we went to beyond social service after school
there we sorted out the art pieces of the children
the children have this artistic talent that though
they do not have the skills like the artists,
their air pieces stil turn out really well
we sorted them and put them in their individual portfolios
according to date.

--------------------------------------------------------
if thinkin that changin or amendin what u said earlier wil change or make wad u said less offensive i suggest u tink again. we nsk are nt as rich as u guys but bear in mind we have much more than u can ever imagine. we have virtues morals and so much more than u can ever have. if thinkin that changin wad u said without really apologisin wil clear the flames u can go on and dream. it wil nvr happen

2010-04-07T21:36:00.002+08:00

poor soul
the rich own much more than the poor
yet the poor owns more than the rich
beauty that needs more than the naked eye to c
is owned by the poor n nt the rich
the rich boasts abt delicacy and beauty
yet true meaning is undermined
u poor poor soul
poor rotten soul
pathetic n self indulged soul u poor ting
may god bless ur poor poor soul

2010-04-05T20:41:00.002+08:00

sch is very borin
i'm lookin forward to the weekends once the weekends r over
i wish we dun have to study so hard
its so painful to study at all

u're all i need to survive the day
all i need is ur smile to light up the darkest days
u're all i need :)

2010-03-31T20:26:00.002+08:00

went back to cckss today
the sch look like its abt to fall
muahahahhas fall to its foundations n burn!!
lols so evil
but seriously nt that i wan the sch to fall
its a pity coz spendin 4 years in it made me attached to the sch emotionally
haiz

gt my sgc n o's cert back!!yay!!
so nice cert
best of all i saw the ppl i wana c!!
i saw loads of juniors
loads of best friends
omg how i miss them haiz
love them soooo much
haiz but cant spend much time with them
homework is crushin my bones so far
sadness man!!off to do PW haiz
:((((((

2010-03-30T20:51:00.002+08:00

today is the 4th month
so happy these 4 months
besides happy i dun tink i can elaborate it further in simplified form
lols i'm happy :)

i nvr tot anyone can brin such happiness out
its now a precious ting
that i wil nvr let go
wana hold ur hand n walk down our long road n nvr let go til death do us part

new skin!

2010-03-20T21:09:00.001+08:00

yay today finally had the time to make the new blog skin
was gettin tired of the other one
lols i was supposed to b restin
lols wad with gettin sick tis week
first fever now my voice is gone
even swallowin is a problem
hahahhahas

finally i'm nt afraid to put tis skin
coz i dun have to hide anymore
my parents know liaos
n they kinda approved
so happy now
coz we've got both sides to approve
i really wana thank everyone who wished us well
instead of wishin we go down soon

xDD now head hurts but i'm stil gona play for awhile
while i cough to my death
xDD bad bad illnesses n viruses these days
haiz

2010-03-18T23:34:00.002+08:00

if lovin u is a crime
i really m in jail

i put the whole blame on myself
for bein selfish
for wantin to b with u in every single ting
instead of goin with others
i blame myself of tinkin that u r selfish in fulfilin ur own needs
instead of mine
i blame myself for thinkin that way coz its also selfishness on my part
i blame myself for expectin too much of u
i blame myself for tryin to tie u down with me unknowinly
i blame myself for nt showin u enough care n love
i blame myself for bein careless with words
i blame myself for nt bein wad u wanted
i blame myself for nt sayin anyting at that point
i blame myself for lovin u too much

2010-03-18T09:40:00.002+08:00

ytd my daddy came back from australia
hahas glad he is home safe n sound
lols buut i kinda threw my tantrum ytd
coz i was havin a fever n my sis n bro keepin wakin me up

my dad bought lots of tings home
lols alot of chocolate
my mom was like "omg" when she saw the pile of choco
hehes coool!!
i gt sparkly jewellery
xDD ok i like sparkly stuff

i recovered from the fever ytd le
but now no voice
n my throat hurts
i'm dyin

2010-03-15T21:44:00.002+08:00

many happy memories made today
i can say that today is the day where i m happy
though many tings happened to stop me from havin a nice day
but stil we overcame it to have a nice time

today went out to queensway to buy shoes
first ting my sis had to b sick
i tot i can nvr go out like tis
end up she throw tantrums n dun wana go c doc
so end up i could juz go out

met nick at pendin
xDDD
took the bus to east coast
lols did alot of first tings today
first ting is to rent a double bike
rode it with nick
it was fun with lots of screamin
n i turned black
which if my mom knew,she'd kill me
the other first
is to b thrown into the sea
lols as in literaly thrown into the sea
had fun gettin went
went to return the bikes n went to eat
cam whored alot
so many photos xDDDD

after that we went to queensway
lols some kid keep starin
so weird~
looked at shoes
wow!exp like crazy
really cant afford
tis is like super bad haiz
saw some nice shoes
but cant buy coz its really too expensive le
haiz look somewhere else ba hehes

2010-03-14T17:32:00.002+08:00

today went out to taka with my mom
lols saw some of my friends
miss them so much
too bad i cant go back n b promoter
coz i got too much to do recently
jc life is nt fun at all
----------------------------------------
the shiniest apple on the tree
the only one that i see
i knew its the only one for me
n it wil forever be

2010-03-09T20:03:00.002+08:00

admirer
glancing staring across beneath green eyes
pondering breaking all rules he dared defy
observing evaluating the silhouette of two
surpressing his feeling of blue

waiting patiently for his chance
as he predicts the falling of the fence
he smiles he laughs he grins
unable to surpress the feelings from within

2010-02-25T22:14:00.002+08:00

i tink i wud have died today
if nt for someone special
i tink i wud have given up long ago
if nt for someone special
i had a terrible day
but it doesnt matter
for there was someone special

he cared he understood he took away my fears
he's someone special
he listens he comforts he looked me in the eye
he's someone special
he smiles he's sweet he's always there
he is my one n only
someone special

2010-02-21T10:18:00.002+08:00

the clouds on the sky looked puffy as of those in cartoons
the plastic smiles on their faces show cold concern
n fake celebration
of wad was supposed to b a heart warmin occasion
became one that was fake,cold n of no meanin
i sat there n stare at the smiles of everyone
yes, some seemed genuine, genuine happiness
but some were juz a facade
coverin their real inside tots
i hate every minute of it
i hate every minute of it